But it just occurred to me - I bought the Wii Fit and the EA Active Sports game to go with it... and there's a 30-day challenge thing that I saw online in connection with EA Sports.
So I think I'm going to do it! And I'm going to chronicle the process here.
I start July 1!
Wish me luck!
Also did core exercises...
And - I've lost another pound.
Pounds lost thus far:
4
Well, haven't posted HERE in a long time!!
Life has gotten the better of me over the past year or so... and I've managed to gain back about twenty of the sixty pounds that I'd lost. Those of you who follow my personal journal know that it's been a horrific year.
I know I'm not alone. A lot of people who deal with trauma tend to fold up while they heal from the inside out. That's what I think I've been doing. I stopped exercising altogether because I couldn't find joy in anything for a long time... which made working out actually feel painful instead of invigorating. I stopped watching what I ate because I was too focused on figuring out the new problems which I was facing. Over time, the weight slowly crept back on... and it was slow. Considering that I lost sixty pounds in a year and gained twenty back in the following year, that's a slow gain. A slow, insidious gain. And even though I had Dr. Beck's good advice, which I still completely recommend and endorse as being the best weight loss program out there, I was not prepared for the deep issues I'd face during this very painful time in my life. I simply ran out of ways to talk back to my sabotaging thoughts - or, I guess more appropriately, I stopped talking back to my sabotaging thoughts altogether. I felt so defeated that I didn't have the emotional chutzpah to even fight them. I'd need volumes of response cards - but even if I had them, I probably wouldn't have had the energy to take them out and look at them. I simply rolled over and let the hurt wash over me.
However - I also know that the human spirit is resilient, if we allow it to be, and I am getting back up on my feet, dusting myself off, and putting my shoulder to the wheel. I still feel the pangs of loss and grief and pain, but I'm slowly regaining control of my life and seeing sunny spots here and there. It's been a slow process and it's ongoing.
I started by doing something that I knew would make me feel good - I signed up for belly dancing lessons. I remember once seeing a belly dancer at a local Middle Eastern restaurant, and I admired the beautiful feminine energy of the dance - sensual, but not sexual. Feminine and powerful. And to get myself out of this funk, I needed ALL of that... sounds dumb, but I needed to feel like a vital, powerful woman again, get myself moving again and feeling beautiful and confident. It seemed like the perfect answer.
And it was. I adore belly dancing now and, after three months of lessons, I'm being moved to the advanced class because my teacher (who has been studying for 30 years with masters in Egypt and elsewhere) has told me I'm a natural. So I guess all those traits about the dance that I admired - strong, beautiful, feminine energy - were residing in me all along. I just needed a way to tap into it. Oh - and did I mention that it's a great workout?!
I've also started getting back to the gym... slowly. I went yesterday for the first time in several weeks and, for the first time, it felt good to me again. I started Couch to 5k again - from the very beginning, Week One, Day One - and had no pain from my prior injuries. I did upper-body strength training, and I rewarded myself at the end of it all by a long session in the sauna. Showered up and came home... and for the first time in many months, I felt the way I was supposed to feel: relaxed, content, renewed. I had been missing that.
Obviously, I need to shed the 20 that I gained, so I've started keeping track of my food again with CalorieKing.com. I have some unique challenges as I lose weight this time, and I am going to have to try to devise a way to get around them, using Dr. Beck's book as the backbone and framework for the struggles I know I will face. I also could stand to re-learn some of the good habits that I've let slide. These include:
1) Eating while standing up - or, as I call it, "fridge-grazing.
2) Eating too quickly. I have water to help me out with this, and my plan is to sip between bites. Hello, bathroom...
3) Feeling badly about throwing away food. This was brought to my attention recently at a family gathering for my stepbrothers' birthday. As my dad was preparing food, he was cutting a cantaloupe for a fruit tray. He'd scooped out the pulpy part with the seeds and began cutting up the fruit into squares, cutting off the rinds. After he'd done all that, he started eating the green part off the rinds... and when he was done with that, he started EATING THE PULP AND THE SEEDS!! I said, "Dad, what the heck are you doing?! You're not supposed to eat that!" And he said, with pride in his voice, "but it's wasteful to throw it away." I replied, "No it's not - it's waste - and that has got to taste gross! It looks like snot!" And Dad replied, "If it's edible, I eat it." And then, after eating the pulp and the seeds, proceeded to eat a full meal PLUS everyone's leftovers ("can't let it go to waste"). And he wonders why he is overweight because, as he says, "I don't understand... I exercise, I lift weights" - which is true, but if he eats like that, he can't burn all those extra calories through the limited amount of exercise he does. Anyway, Dad always taught us not to waste food, too... and although he has gotten extreme (or I just never noticed it before), seeing it in action when HE scarfed down all that food really hit it home for me. Yikes.
So my point in all this is that I'm trying again, with a sort of renewed energy. As I've told people time and time again, it's something that you've got to really want - and I want it. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the lack of energy and tired of feeling "squishy." I miss my old self, and although she'll be changed emotionally, I want her back and I want to help her get better, stronger, happier.
“You see, you don't get old from age, you get old from inactivity, from not believing in something.”
-Jack LaLanne
I had a phenomenally CRAPPY run today. Seriously, it was awful. Everything about it felt just terrible... and I began to overheat and get dizzy only 20 minutes into it. I came back from my run feeling absolutely defeated and terrible. I peeled off my clothes and wrung out my sports bra over the bathtub. From the amount of liquid that came out of it, one might have guessed that I went for a swim rather than a run. I could not stop obsessing over the fact that I signed up for a race in August and that I'm never, ever, ever going to be able to run it. I chalked up the bad run to performance anxiety - maybe.
The sun was not out and so it felt cool enough outside, but what I neglected to check was the humidity. In meteorological terms, we're currently at 90% humidity with a 73-degree dewpoint. In layman's terms, it was like running in someone's armpit this morning. PLUS - it's an Ozone Action Day - which means that asthmatics such as myself will have a difficult time anyway.
So - I am going to stop beating myself up today about my crappy run. I did the best I could under the circumstances. I did not perform poorly; I do not have performance anxiety. Mother Nature threw humidity at me this morning, and I merely wasn't ready for it.
Anyway... it may have been a bad run, but I looked darn cute doing it! I bought a couple of new singlets and running shorts over the weekend, and I love them! It's so much nicer to run with actual running gear. I can't imagine how much worse I would have felt on my run today if not for the tech fabrics.
Meh - I'll try, try again on Wednesday! Onward!!
- Mood:
okay
<tr><td colspan="2">
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Faithful Friends 5k
www.faithfulfriends.us
Brandywine Creek State Park
8/10/2008
Registration Opens @ 08:00am
Race Starts @ 09:00am
Awards: Medals for top male and female overall, plus top 3 in each of five age groups.
Amenities: T-shirts and refreshments for runners. T-shirts limited to the first 150 entrants.
Registration: Complete and mail the registration form below.
Free Kids Fun Run: Fun run will start prior to the main event.
Directions: Brandywine Creek State Park, Hawk Watch Pavilion, 41 Adams Dam Rd, Wilmington, DE.
Customized directions available at http://www.destateparks.com/bcsp/bcspmap
Parking: “Hawk Watch” parking lot, accessible via the main park entrance off Adams Dam road.
Brandywine Park parking fee: $3 in-state vehicles, $6 out-of-state (payable on race day)
Course: Scenic trail in this beautiful state park. Course map (trail marked in orange) available at http://www.destateparks.com/bcsp/Brandyw
*********
And guess who is registered to run...!
Can I get a WOOT??!
I'm doing well! Since joining Calorieking.com in late April, I've lost the eight or so pounds that I put on over the holidays - and I'm finding it more and more difficult to lose weight, which is signaling to me that maybe I'm approaching where my body wants to be. I don't know... I'm going to keep eating healthfully and exercising regularly and see what happens, but I'm not going to knock myself out or anything. My BMI is a healthy 22.9 (a far cry from the 32.3 of two years ago!!), my blood pressure's down, and I feel like a million bucks - so, really, who could ask for much more than that? Not me!
Running is going well, apart from some little niggling pains here and there - which was, at first, very alarming to me. The pain, however, is different from the stress fractures last fall in that rest and ice makes these pains vanish. As long as I take it easy and remember to not train too hard and try to do too much too fast, I'll be in good shape. For a chronic, competitive overachiever such as myself, it's hard to resist - especially on days like today, when the weather was good and I felt like I could go an extra half-mile or so on top of today's prescribed training. No; my body is not ready, and no matter how much body and heart feel, brain must take over and set the limits.
I'll tell you what, though... you know what feels really good? Being out there running... being on the home stretch and feeling the challenge to my body... and then really digging down, deep and hard, to will myself to take me to the end. Sometimes, it isn't the legs that carry me to the finish - it's the spirit. I think that's what I like the most about running; it's a challenge to the self. Each time I run, I run my own run, facing no other challenge than the one I've issued to myself - and succeeding.
I may never wear a number on the front of my singlet - but for me, every run is a race... against me.
1) I had a two-pound loss this week (hooray!) and
2) I was too tired to run last night but I dragged my butt outside and did it anyway, and I did well, too.
I'll be able to start Week 5 next week... which is nice. I'm well on track, and I think that doing all my training outdoors has actually made me more fit as opposed to the treadmill, reason being that there are hills outside. I mean, yeah, you can adjust the treadmill to create "hills," but I think a person's more apt to do the hills when they're forced to on the road rather than programming a treadmill.
I'm loving being back out. I do my best thinking when I'm running. I enjoy the solitude.
I met a new cat, a big black fellow with piercing green eyes. I have named him Grackle.
Started Week 4 yesterday - which I know is weird, because yesterday was Wednesday, but I'm doing this training at my own pace and I felt like I needed to repeat Week 3's workout for just one more day on Monday.
I was petrified to do Week 4 because of the sharp increase in run time - it just seemed scary to me. If I remember correctly, I had fears about Week 4 last year, too. Anyway, I did fine; I paced myself, which I think was key, and at the end, I even managed a little push of speed. I'm hurting today, but it's just soreness and not injury (thank God!!), and I'm feeling overall pretty good about my progress.
If I keep up at this rate, I'll be running on the boardwalk this year during our vacation in July. It's something I've always wanted to do, in the early hours, just me and the ocean and the gulls and the rising sun.
Yes. I will do it.
Weigh-in tomorrow...!
I nearly talked myself out of running this morning because it was yucky and raining, but then a thought occurred to me: suppose I train for a marathon and it rains on the day of the marathon. After months and months of training, am I NOT gonna run the marathon because of RAIN?? Plus, if I don't train in the rain and it does happen to rain on the day of the marathon and I do decide to run, the rain will completely screw me up because I won't be prepared to run in the rain at all. Same goes with wind. So - I got my tuchus out the door and ran. (Thank you, Dr. Beck and cognitive behavioral therapy!!)
For my first time out in the rain, Mother Nature was very kind to me and saw to it that it was at least warm outside. It actually kind of felt good... I had my hair tied back in a bandana and I wore my sports tank, and it was good to feel the soft rain on my face and shoulders. Methinks that when the weather gets cooler, I'll have to buy some specialized waterproof stuff at the running shop, but at least for the summer, I'll be in good shape. I could use some nice, new technical clothes for the summer, and I think that when I get my next paycheck (which will have a bazillion hours of overtime in it), I shall treat myself to some. Target had some cute, technical-fabric stuff; I think I'll start there and see how I do.
*~*~*~*~*
I've become a Calorieking junkie! Keeping my food diary there has helped me so much - it effectively takes all the guesswork out of keeping track of my calories AND my nutrition. All the foods and their caloric/nutritional values are in their huge database, and all I have to do is drag and drop the food into my diary for the day. It totally plays into my OCD tendencies, too, by assembling my data and providing me with detailed charts so I can track my progress. For example:
This is from the past two weeks. Calorieking states:
We recommend that around 40-60% of your calories should come from carbs, 15-20% from protein and 20-30% from fat.
So. It seems that I'm getting too many calories from fat, and even though I'm meeting my caloric intake every day (mostly), the fat can still hang me up. Looks like my strategy should be more proteins and less fat.But do you see what I mean? Isn't that a GREAT tool?? I'm very much a "visual-aid" kind of person, so this really helps.
It feels good to make progress. I like the challenge of it!
I must admit here that I do have pain in my legs, both of them. However - it's not the same kind of pain as the sfx's, so I'm thinking it's just a case of good old-fashioned shinsplints. It's not that constant, throbbing ache; just feels like sore muscles, really! I'll keep an eye on it, though.
Calorieking.com is turning out to be an immensely helpful tool - I believe that this, in conjunction with The Beck Diet Solution, will help me shed these last 15 or so pounds.
I've also added a powerful new resource to my "bag of tricks" in my fitness venture - Calorie King. Access to their extensive calorie/nutrition database is completely free; for a reasonable $7 monthly membership fee, I am enjoying additional access to a full array of tools, including a food diary that all but eliminates the guesswork out of calorie-counting in addition to making sure I'm getting a proper balance of fats, proteins, carbohydrates and fiber. I should have joined a LONG time ago, maybe even when I started the Beck book last spring!
Wow, that was last spring...
Anyway, I'm all jazzed up now and remotivated to lose the last 15 lbs or so to get to where I'd like to be. I feel that now I have this extra tool in my pocket, I will succeed!
Weigh-in tomorrow...
- Mood:
optimistic
I did it! And I feel pretty good, too - NO LEG PAIN. Yay!
I'm so glad to be back out on the road again...
I have a new weight loss goal, too: 135 by July 4! We scheduled a trip to Ocean City, Maryland for later in July, and I want to be able to do two things while there:
1) Look HOT at the beach, and
2) Get up just as the sun's peeking over the Atlantic and run the length - out-and-back - of the Ocean City Boardwalk, which will be about five miles total. Yeeee!
I think I'm ready to stop being afraid of reinjury (and everything else going on in my life right now), get my running shoes on, and get back on that horse.
I start tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
(crossposted to
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shakingthetree)shakingthetreehave been spotty and brief. I have comments I still need to reply to, but in all of my efforts to juggle everything at work, everything at home and everything I've gotten sucked into in my spare time, I've got no mental or emotional energy to do it. So if you left a comment or sent an email or something and I haven't gotten to it, please don't take it personally. I will get around to it.Depleted mental and emotional energy also tends to manifest itself in lack of discipline on my part. My eating's admittedly not been too hot. Not horrible - but not fantastic. I had to bag the gym since my last workout on Saturday; I tried to go yesterday morning, but my NyQuil hangover proved to be too much to overcome. I got to the gym today, though, and it felt good. I hopped on the treadmill and started C25k Week 2 at a nice, easy pace. I'll do that for another three weeks before progressing myself on to Week 3. I'm so terrified I'm going to reinjure myself, so I'm taking NO chances.
The good news in all this is that I'm not gaining any weight. Not losing, either, but I'm rock-steady between 142 and 144 on any given day.
Speaking of weight - today's Beck task is to choose a short-term goal. I expect now that the weather is getting a bit better, my health's getting better and I'm starting to learn - slowly - to say "no" to people when they ask me to do something I don't truly have time to do, I am figuring that I'll be able to get back into my groove and shake myself off the plateau. If I do a one-pound loss per week, and figure in a wacky water-weight week, I should be able to lose five pounds - and get to 139 - by March 28. That's very conservative, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hope I make it!
I also think I'm going to need to revamp my exercise plan. For some reason, I just can't get into it, and today I think I've hit upon why; I really miss being able to reward myself for my workouts by taking sauna/steamroom time after my sessions. I always have to dash out the door so I can run home and shower before going to work. So - this weekend, I'm going to buy myself a new gym bag (a GOOD one, not like the p.o.s. one I have) and start packing my work clothes to take to the gym with me. This wil give me a nice, easy morning so I can get a good workout in and not feel rush-rush-rush all the time.
Okay. Good goals, and good for me for setting them. (this is me giving myself credit.) For the remainder of my lunch hour, I'm going to turn my attention towards something quiet and relaxing. I brought my knitting. :)
- Mood:
exhausted
Exercise is not something I typically struggle with. I did at first, a year and a half ago, but once I got into a groove, I really began to look forward to it and enjoy it as my "me time." Trouble is, I lost my groove when my downtown gym closed and I got diagnosed with stress fractures. I have to get my groove back!!
Planned Exercise
First, I have to realize all over again that exercise is not optional. I cannot give myself the choice of whether I want to go - NO CHOICE.
Second, I've got to get back into a routine. I find that I get the exercise done much better when I am firmly fixed in a regimen of which days I exercise and when. Couch to 5k was great for that because it had a prescribed number of sessions per week. I'd like to resume that program and, indeed, I have - but I think since I am still recovering, I am going to stretch the program waaaay out and stretch each week out over three weeks. This way, I still get my cardio in, I am moving super-gradually, and I'll only need to add one extra day of crosstraining - AND I can do that in the evening, when there's a greater chance of my husband being able to join me. I also want to hopefully start being able to possibly run with a new friend, Danielle, and I will cross that bridge when she's ready to start.
Spontaneous Exercise
Something I'd like to get back into the habit of is taking the bus to work. It saves me a bunch of money, plus it forces me to walk more. Soon the weather's going to start to warm up and it won't be so dark and scary waiting for my bus in Rodney Square at night, so this is something I hope to start soon. When the weather becomes reliably warm enough, I will walk to and from the Park-n-Ride that's near my neighborhood. On the days when I'm forced to drive to work (gym days, most likely), I am going to try to force myself to take the stairs in the parking garage rather than the elevator. I happened to drive to work today, but the elevator's my only option because it is wicked cold today and frigid temperatures plus heavy breathing is a recipe for a massive asthma attack for me.
Another thing I'd like to start doing is taking Jack for walks right after work instead of just letting him run around the yard and have all the fun himself.. I wonder how I can make that work..? I need to make a plan for that.
*~*~*~*~*~*
So - here's my plan for PLANNED exercise:
Tuesday - run/weight training (upper body) - a.m.
Thursday - run - a.m.
Saturday - run/weight train (lower body) - a.m.
Flex evening Monday, Wednesday, OR Friday p.m. (depends on rehearsals/shows) - stationary bike, core workout
And for UNPLANNED exercise:
- Jack-walks
- Take the bus 3x a week
- use the stairs in the parking garage
*~*~*~*~*~*
Already I feel good now that I have a plan.
Okay, I know now that I'm overcommitted and quickly losing control of my schedule. Not sure how that happened... i was doing really well there for a while. I think when I got back into doing theatre is when it really got tight. What little free time I do have gets gobbled up by other things before I even know what happened! I absolutely can NOT let this happen again. It makes me cranky and stressed, and it saps me of energy... and both will lead me to unhealthy food behaviors.
So here's what I'm going to do - I'm going to PLAN OUT the entire month of February. I have rehearsals to work around and I need to get on top of that or I'm quickly going to lose control and I will not be successful with my dieting.
I'm going to print out a blank calendar page and I am going to write in all my rehearsals AND the days when I'm going to go to the gym. This will help me plan for long days (like today) where I leave my house at 8:30 a.m. and don't return until 10:30 p.m. It's days like today where I tend to go awry; if I don't plan for them, I end up getting hungry and tired and my resolve weakens and next thing I know, I'm headed through the drive-thru to get a greaseball burger. Not good.
I'm going to stick my schedule up on the refrigerator, where I will see it ALL the time.
I also made out a response card for when I am feeling like waffling on time commitments.
A big THANK YOU to
wildflower83 for graciously volunteering to be co-coaches with me during this process - we will help each other a great deal, and two heads are definitely better than one!Changing my environment is really not a huge deal, given that I've already done a good bit of that. We don't keep a whole lot of junk food in the house, and what little we do keep, I try to put on the highest shelf in the kitchen so it's difficult for me to reach. That helps! And the workplace has gotten much better about not leaving food out to graze on; candy dishes have mostly been put away, and nobody really minds anymore when food gets put in an inconspicuous place for people to enjoy rather than being out in the wide open, tempting those of us who are trying to not eat it.
At this point, I should mention that there is another stinking king cake in this office. WHY??? Grrrrr...
*~*~*~*~*
I went to the gym this morning... hooray! I did an easy run (Week 1, C25k) and for some reason, today it felt like I was running neck-high in jello. But I finished it. Only have to make it to the gym 2 more times this week - I plan to go Thursday morning and Saturday morning. I eventually want to get back to four days a week, but I need to go gradually.
1) Positive;
2) Available;
3) A problem-solver; and
4) Genuinely supportive of my success.
Previously, I'd gone to 3fatchicks for support - and although the support that I got there was great and everyone was really helpful and wonderful, over time it gradually became much more of a social thing than an actual tool to help me. I was spending more time on my butt in front of the computer than I was out at the gym!
However, I do like the online thing because I feel like I can articulate myself so much better - plus, I have access to a computer nearly all the time, even during weird times (which is always when I have sabotaging thoughts). I'm not sure a live, in-person diet coach will be able to make the time for me. I'd enlist my husband, but he is far more interested in getting me to eat a bowl of ice cream than helping me fight my cravings. (Sorry, Honey, but you know it's true!) And a lot of my friends - although I love them!! - are really negative towards my efforts to lose weight. I mean, now that they've seen what I did and how I did it, they're proud of me - but during the process, I had many friends who told me I was crazy for wanting to run, that I looked great the way I was, questioned why I wanted to lose the weight, blah blah blah.
I wonder... is there someone out there reading this who might be interested in looking over my shoulder? It could be one of you or many of you, I don't care - as long as there's someone out there listening and ready to help when my motivation flags. Or maybe one of you is looking to start the Beck Diet Solution, too, and would like a buddy. Leave a comment and let me know. It would be just as easy as reading this journal is - and maybe getting an email or two from me per week.
If I don't find a diet coach via the internet by this time next week, I will go back to 3fatchicks and really be careful to stay on-task.... but I would really like to not have to do that. No offense to my friends there is meant; I simply need to be someplace where things are a bit more focused and structured.
And so another week begins. I didn't get crazy with food over the weekend, even despite relaxing standards a bit, and I made mostly very healthy choices.
I also had a great workout on Saturday morning... I love my Saturday morning workouts. Because I have no place I have to rush off to, I can really take my time and not feel hurried. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill... and, since I'm still healing from the sfx but still want to run, I did 5 minutes walking to warm up, then alternating one minute of light jogging with 90 seconds of walking for the duration. I find that I can do this with zero pain, so I will continue this for the next few weeks or so. I also am making a conscious effort to do some weight training.
My exercise goals this week are Tuesday morning, Wednesday morning, Friday morning and Saturday morning. I really want to get back into the pattern of doing four days a week at the gym.
- Mood: optimistic
I used to sit with a timer and clock one minute between swallowing a mouthful of food and taking the next bite. I think what I'm going to do now is sip a liquid between each mouthful. Since it is so incredibly yucky, raw and rainy today, I got some onion soup (just onions and beef stock, no croutons or cheese, very low-cal) to go along with my Friday sushi treat. I'll happily sip that between sushi bites! For the most part, though, I think it'll be water at most other meals.
I did okay last night. Just okay. I came home from work and Rich wasn't hungry and said he wanted to wait to eat until after rehearsal. I said I had to eat at least a little something beforehand (I was ravenous) and managed to have a snack, but I felt really out-of-control while I was looking for something to eat, and I think I could have made better choices if I had a better variety of healthy munchies. So - I've gotta fix that next time I go grocery shopping. (This is me giving myself credit for recognizing that.)
Anyway, by the end of rehearsal, I was ready to eat my chair. We went out to Piece of Ireland (as is tradition) and I nibbled and noshed WAY more than I wanted to because I was so hungry. I wan't real happy about that, but today I told myself to get over it and start again - and I have. I feel okay today.
- Mood:
cold
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